


i just can't hit the call button

by thecomputerguy



Category: GOT7, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lots of Angst, M/M, Non Idol AU, Panic Attacks, Past Eating Disorders, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal actions, Suicide Attempt (past), Suicide Hotline, based on 1800 by logic, everyone is hurting, i just want my babies to be happy, it's not very graphic, lapslock, mentioned Homophobia, stay safe!!!!, things end up okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 11:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11553981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecomputerguy/pseuds/thecomputerguy
Summary: yugyeom can convince himself of almost anything.that's how he finds himself sitting on a ledge.(aka a slice into the life of a suicidal college kid and his supportive and loving hyungs)inspired by 1-800-273-8255 by Logic





	i just can't hit the call button

**Author's Note:**

> this may end up triggering, so please read with caution.  
> nothing is too graphic (this time around) but please just stay safe. triggers are in the tags.  
> if you need help, this is a list of international suicide hotlines. please call, cuz even if you think no one cares, i do.  
> http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
> 
> ***
> 
> as a disclaimer, the panic/anxiety attack yugyeom has is based off of my own experiences - these differ from person to person. the thoughts and ideas yugyeom has are also based off of previous experiences.

yugyeom sat, watching the sun set over the bustling city. people were still rushing, trying to get home before it was dark, trying not to worry their loved ones or keep them waiting long. he remembered when he felt like that, but it had been ages since then. 

 

the sun had almost set, the rain clouds rolling in. yugyeom sat there, indifferently, staring at the phone and the number typed in. the green button mocked him and he sat there, his hand hovering over the button before he turned away, locking the device.  _ no,  _ he had decided,  _ not today. _ instead he unlocked the device again and minimized the app before he opened his texts. 

 

**gummy gyeomie:** hey kook, can i come over tonight? sorry it's so sudden, it just looks like it's gonna rain and my dorm is across campus.

 

**kookies and cream:** hey babe, sure! hyung is here tonight, but as long as you're fine with a kinda pouty jimin then that's perfect!

 

**gummy gyeomie:** ahh tysm. i'll be over soon.

 

**kookies and cream:** yay! :D

 

yugyeom pulled his legs back over the ledge, dropping back down onto the roof of the library. grabbing his backpack, he slowly made his way to the door back into the building, taking the elevator down the seven stories and walking out the door, heading over to his boyfriend's apartment. he ignored his phone buzzing in his pocket and trudged the five minutes to the complex, not making it before it began to downpour. he knocked on the door, water dripping down from his fringe, giving him the appearance of a pathetic stray. jungkook opened the door and yanked him inside, taking in the disheveled form of his boyfriend before he made him take off his shoes and wait for him to grab a towel. yugyeom stood obediently, pulling out his phone and noting the five missed calls from bambam. he sighed and texted the elder a quick  _ alive _ before he put his phone away, jungkook reappearing. 

 

“here's a towel and pajamas, change here. i don't need your soggy ass dripping all over our floors.” yugyeom nodded and quickly pecked jungkook’s check, watching as the elder became flustered and fled the area. yugyeom chuckled lightly, changing into the dry clothes before hanging up his sopping wet clothing in the bathroom.

 

jungkook was sitting at his desk in his room when yugyeom came in, throwing himself onto the bed. he closed his eyes and felt jungkook’s heavy stare sizing him up before the elder finally spoke. 

 

“gyeom? you okay?” he nodded, knowing that jungkook was still looking. jungkook scoffed. “bullshit. what's wrong?”

 

“nothing kook,” he sighed, his hands covering his eyes. jungkook raised an eyebrow. 

 

“i'll deal with you in a minute, i gotta finish my econ homework before my professor kills me.” jungkook turned back around and yugyeom found himself curling into a ball, hands in his hair and his eyes shut. it was ten minutes before the silence was broken. 

 

“my mom called today.” jungkook sucked in a breath and yugyeom sighed. “she asked if i had grown out of my phase yet and gotten a girlfriend.” jungkook closed his textbook, thankful he had finally finished his homework, and walked over the bed.  he laid in front of yugyeom, his hands resting on the younger’s shoulders. 

 

“you wanna order pizza and think about something else?” yugyeom nodded. “gimme your phone then, you have the pizza app. and the rewards card too actually.” yugyeom sighed and handed over his phone, his eyes still closed. he missed jungkook’s confused and concerned look, the elder seeing the influx of texts and calls from bambam. 

 

“bambam called you,” he whispered and yugyeom shrugged. “he seems worried.” another shrug. 

 

“he always is.” jungkook stared at yugyeom for a little longer, regarding the younger with suspicion. 

 

“i'll be back in a couple okay? i'm gonna ask jimin if he wants anything. he's lonely, hyung has a project due tomorrow and so they couldn't hang out, aka have steamy sex.” yugyeom cracked a smile and jungkook took it as a victory. “be right back babe.” and with a kiss left on the younger’s forehead, jungkook left the room. 

 

yugyeom kept his eyes closed. if he didn't have to see the cruelty that was present every moment of every day on this god forsaken planet. his inner monologue was swirled with demons and dark thoughts, a sprinkle of hopelessness setting the damp atmosphere of his washed out brain. but what could he do? nothing presently. the air felt heavy and as though it were suffocating him. he felt trapped, useless, tired,  _ god _ so tired, he just wanted it all to  _ stop, _ everything to quiet, to finally not  _ have to  _ anymore, to finally be free from all of this-

 

“yugyeom?” jungkook’s voice sounded hesitant. yugyeom cracked an eye open. “why do you have a suicide hotline dialed?” yugyeom closed his eye and sighed. 

 

“saw someone on the roof today while i did my homework. they looked like they were gonna jump. i was about to offer them the line but then i realized another student was photographing her. i asked her about it, she said that her photography assignment was to show a part of themselves. she had been suicidal awhile back and had asked the other student to be the model. the shots came out beautifully.” he wasn't lying all that much. sure, the event happened the day prior and he was alone on the roof, but jungkook didn't need to know that. no one did. no one really cared anyway. 

 

“are you sure? if there's something wrong i wanna be there for you.” yugyeom looked at the elder, smiling softly. 

 

“and you will be. i promise, it's nothing. i'm just a little off cuz of my mom, you know how i get after i talk to her.” jungkook sighed and nodded, placing the younger’s phone on the nightstand and curling up next to him, lacing their fingers together between their chests. 

 

“you'll tell me if you ever feel like you need to call that number, okay?” yugyeom smiled, kissing jungkook’s knuckles. 

 

“i'll tell you everything.”  _ lies.  _ but yugyeom couldn't find it in himself to care. he closed his eyes and snuggled into the pillow, jungkook giggling at him. 

 

“don't fall asleep! pizza will be here soon.” yugyeom nodded, pulling jungkook closer until he could hug the elder tight to him. 

 

“promise me one thing?” he mumbled into jungkook’s neck.

 

“anything.”

 

“just don't leave me.” jungkook pressed a kiss against his temple.

 

“i never will.”

 

*******

 

yugyeom thought back to that moment on jungkook’s bed, hours before they exchanged their first “i love you”’s. instead of thinking of that memory in a gentle and soft light, he could only laugh at it in bitterness as he kicked the rocks on the ground. 

 

“i guess we both couldn't keep our promises,” he mumbled, pulling out his phone and noting that it was blank. no calls, no texts, not even any emails. he sighed and stuffed his phone back into his pocket, flopping onto a bench. he and jungkook were on a “break” or some bullshit. yugyeom knew it was because the elder had enough of his shit. the “personal issues” that he needed to sort out were just an excuse, a way to hide the fact that yugyeom wasn't a part of his future anymore. this break was it, the official end. but it made sense, no one stayed in yugyeom’s life. 

 

bambam, his childhood best friend, his big brother, his favorite hyung of forever, had put his boyfriend above yugyeom. he left their dorm, he left their hangouts early, he left yugyeom behind. he never texted anymore, never called. sometimes yugyeom would see him around campus and wave, but bambam either never noticed or ignored him. there was simply no competing with jackson, and yugyeom could do nothing but accept defeat. 

 

no one really cared. no one ever stayed. yugyeom knew he should be used to this but he just wasn't yet. and it killed him. 

 

he put on a brave face around campus and his fellow dance and production majors, the smile never truly reaching his eyes. but they didn't need to know how much pain he was in. how lonely he was. how no one cared anymore. but what does it matter, right? nothing really mattered anymore. not to him at least. 

 

he watched the water of the river next to him rush by. he felt like he was watching the world turn, a never ending cycle that was undisturbed by almost anything. if he were to scoop out ten cups of water, the river wouldn't notice, the people further down stream wouldn't even know. soon the cup of water morphed into an analogy for his own life. he laughed bitterly. 

 

_ no one cares. not even i do. i don't even wanna be alive anymore _ , he thought desperately, making a decision. 

 

_ tomorrow. tomorrow we go. _

 

*******

 

yugyeom was back on the rooftop of the library, his legs dangling off the edge. he thought of the letters in his bag, thinking about setting them on fire. they didn't care enough to know what happened, they probably wouldn't even read them. he sighed. 

 

yugyeom’s head shot up at the sound of a voice on the roof. he looked around, seeing no one, as the wind began to whistle a morbid tune. 

 

_ call them. just call.  _ yugyeom bristled. he didn't know what this was but he was tired of this bullshit. he was only getting crazier, not like anyone noticed. not like they would care. 

 

_ call. call. call. call.  _ the word haunted him, swirling throughout his mind. he pulled at his hair, wishing for it to stop.

 

“fine,” he gritted out. “i'll call.” the voice quieted. 

 

yugyeom pulled out his phone, his thumb hovering over jungkook’s contact. it stayed there for a minute before yugyeom broke, his pained laughter mixing with sobs, creating the haunting soundtrack of these final moments. he scrolled away, bambam’s contact the next he stared at. he just shook his head, swiping at tears before he scrolled through the rest of his contacts, coming up short. 

 

“fine. let's go.” he typed in the numbers he had memorized long ago, the green button daunting. he looked away and pressed call, watching the call connect. the automated system allowed him to pick the kind of help he needed as soothing music played. he waited, swinging his feet off the side of the building as he waited for another person to answer. 

 

“hi, you're still there right?” the voice said. it was soft and kind, and yugyeom felt another round of hot tears spill from his cheeks. no one had to talked to him like that for what felt like years. 

 

“yeah,” he choked out, taking a deep breath as he looked into the sky, the sun drawing close to the horizon. 

 

“my name’s mark. do you want to tell me yours?”

 

“y-yugyeom.”

 

“hey yugyeom,” mark kept his voice kind, and yugyeom could almost hear the smile in it. “you're in seoul right?”

 

“yeah. f-for university.” yugyeom tried to quiet his sniffles.

 

“where are you? can you see the sky?”

 

“yeah,” yugyeom whispered. “i-it's beautiful.”

 

“it really is.” a pause. “do you wanna tell me what's wrong? or do you just want company?” 

 

“i-i,” he sucked in a breath, swiping at his eyes. “i don't know.”

 

“that's fine, don't worry yugyeomie. you don't have to know everything, you don't always need answers.”

 

“t-thank you,” yugyeom whispered through his tears. 

 

“now yugyeom, i have to ask, do you have a jacket? i'm guessing you're somewhere high up and it's getting cold out. i don't want you to get sick.” yugyeom laughed, the sound hollow. 

 

“you shouldn't worry about that. it won't matter in a few minutes anyway.”

 

“yugyeom-”

 

“are you my hyung?” yugyeom knew he shouldn't be avoiding this but he couldn't help it. “i'm ‘97 line, so does that make you my hyung?”

 

“yes. you can call me hyung if you want, but you don't have to.”

 

“no, hyung is good. i haven't had a real hyung in so long,” his voice faded as memories with bambam flashed through his mind like meteors in a summer shower. 

 

“do you want to talk about what happened?” mark’s voice remained gentle. 

 

“he got a boyfriend and left me behind hyung. i thought it would always be us, but apparently he had other plans.” 

 

“but did you ever try and talk to him yugyeom?” mark was almost unrelenting. yugyeom would've thought he had cared if he hadn't just met him. 

 

“no. h-he was always with his boyfriend and i d-didn't wanna cause a scene. he would've freaked.” yugyeom swiped at his eyes again, watching the suns sink behind the building studded horizon. 

 

“he may have been worried you didn't like his boyfriend, or maybe he didn't want you to feel like a third wheel. or maybe, maybe, he thought you were tired of him.” yugyeom sniffed once more as the wind blew stronger. 

 

“hyung,” he whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut. “hyung i'm scared. i'm scared of dying but i don't wanna be alive. i don't know what else to do, i have nowhere else to go.”

 

“gyeomie, i need you to listen to me. can you do that?” mark sounded worried, his words clipped with fear. 

 

“y-yeah.”

 

“are you on a ledge? yes or no,” yugyeom wanted to ignore him, but mark’s tone had the “yes” slipping from his lips before he could stop it. 

 

“yugyeom, i'm gonna need you to get down okay? go sit on the ground. are there benches on the rooftop? go sit on one.” yugyeom moved off the ledge, collapsing onto the cement of the rooftop. 

 

“ah hyung, i f-fell funny,” he said, whimpering as he sat up and assessed his various injuries, a seemingly tweaked wrist the worst of them. he really needed to learn how to land better. 

 

“are you on the rooftop now? not the ledge?”

 

“yeah.” mark sighed in relief.

 

“good. good gyeom. you should go inside soon, it's getting cold. do you have anyone to take you home? i'm assuming you aren't at your dorm building,” mark’s voice has become gentle and caring once again, and yugyeom buried his face into his free hand. 

 

“n-not any more. i had a b-boyfriend, but he got tired of me too,” his voice went high as more tears slipped down his cheeks, glinting in the last few moments of the sunset. 

 

“for some reason i don't think that's true. try talking to him, sometimes it works miracles. trust me on this, okay?” yugyeom sighed again. 

 

“o-okay hyung. i'll figure out a ride home i guess. t-thank you mark.”

 

“anytime yugyeom. and remember, someone always cares, even if it doesn't feel like it. someone will always get hurt from this, more than just you.” yugyeom tried to keep his breathing steady, tears still racing down his cheeks, increasing significantly with mark’s words. 

 

“now don't take this personally,” yugyeom braced for the worst, “but i never wanna hear from you like this again. go get some help, okay?” yugyeom chuckled, a small smile on his lips. 

 

“yeah okay sure. goodbye hyung.”

 

“see you later yugyeom.” and with that yugyeom hung up. 

 

_ at least mark hyung would care _ , he thought, resting his back against the ledge and scrolling through his contacts again before settling. he really didn't want to burden anyone. 

 

**lil gyeom:** hey hyung, where are you?

 

**defsoul:** the studios across the street from the library

**defsoul:** y? u need smt?

 

**lil gyeom:** no, i just don't wanna walk home by myself, especially if you're next door. 

 

**defsoul:** meet me in 5 in front and we'll walk together

 

**lil gyeom:** ty

 

yugyeom grabbed his backpack and staggered his way to the door, waiting in the lobby for jaebum to come over from the studio. the elder had an apartment half a block from yugyeom’s dorm, making this arrangement work beautifully. even though he was ripped and a giant, yugyeom was still a kid, still scared about walking alone in the dark. but who could really blame him?

 

yugyeom slid out of the library as jaebum crossed the street, the elder instantly pulling yugyeom in for a hug. 

 

“you okay?” yugyeom nodded. they stayed like that for a little while, jaebum rubbing his back and cradling his head, yugyeom fighting back tears as he clutched onto him. 

 

“you don't seem it there kid.” yugyeom choked on a laugh. he pulled away, swiping at his eyes and shaking his head. 

 

“i-i’m oh,” his voice faded out as he noted the steeling gaze jaebum was regarding him with. “i'll be okay. just need some time.” he forced a smile and jaebum nodded at him. 

 

“let's get you home alright?” yugyeom hesitated, fidgeting with his sleeves. 

 

“a-actually, can i stay at yours? i don't wanna be alone tonight.” jaebum smiled, pulling yugyeom into his side as they began to journey to the apartment. 

 

“course. ever since jinyoung and i split and he moved out, the apartment’s been a little lonely.” yugyeom frowned at the elder, the two making their way through the quiet streets. 

 

“are you okay hyung?” jaebum nodded, a wistful smile playing on his features. 

 

“yeah, it's been nine months since we split. he's dating someone new and so am i. i just wish we had a more civilized ending.” yugyeom nodded, quirking his eyebrow. 

 

“who you dating?” jaebum blushed. 

 

“his name is youngjae and he's a year older than you and  _ god _ , he's wonderful. but he's been visiting his family, his mom just had surgery, or else i would've introduced you already. he lives a few blocks from us.” yugyeom smiled. 

 

“that's great hyung. i'm happy for you.” yugyeom realized how much truth that sentence had, how real it was. yugyeom wanted that for his own life. 

 

“jinyoung’s boyfriend is great too. he's an american, but he's fantastic. his name's mark, becoming a psychiatrist and everything.” _ no, it can't be- _ “he works at the hotline as of now. you know, the suicide one.”

 

“oh my god.” the words slipped out before he could stop them, his thoughts flying a million miles a minute as his feet stilled. jaebum watched the younger in confusion and concern. “i guess that's how i'll see him later,” yugyeom mused, forgetting jaebum’s presence. when he finally zoned back in, he realized the older was staring at him with apprehension 

 

“yugyeom,” the elder stated, his voice steely and eyes hard. yugyeom visibly swallowed. “is there something you aren't telling me?” 

 

jaebum’s arms were crossed, his entire being intimidating the younger. it was almost as though he could see through him, tell whether or not he was lying. yugyeom began to fidget again, a wave of fear overwhelming his body. he felt his muscles tense, his mind firing a thousand thoughts per millisecond. his hands began to tremble, his lungs working double time to make sure his brain was getting the oxygen it needed - even though it felt as though it were having the opposite effect. he felt the tears on his cheeks before he realized he was crying, his vision cloudy and unfocused.  

 

“-ugyeom!” his eyes snapped up, vision finally clearing enough to allow him to see jaebum (through a veil of tears). he noticed the elder’s hands squeezing his shoulders, presumably trying to stop his trembling. 

 

“hey, you're okay.” yugyeom stared at him blankly, his body still in overdrive. “breathe with me okay? then we'll get you home, okay?” yugyeom nodded, closing his eyes and focusing on his breathing. he was exhausted when he had finally calmed enough to open his eyes, his hands clutching jaebum’s arms to keep him upright. he looked around, giving jaebum a shaky smile. 

 

“i called youngjae, he has a car here so he'll pick us up okay?” yugyeom nodded again, leaning into jaebum and wrapping his arms around the elder’s middle. jaebum quickly reciprocated the hug, and even though yugyeom was much taller than the elder, he looked his true age. just a scared kid. jaebum felt his heart breaking. 

 

“hyung?” jaebum turned, youngjae sitting in his car with the window down, fear visible on his handsome features. “ready to go?” the brunette stepped out of the car, opening the back door and raising an eyebrow. yugyeom sniffled and turned, finally looking at youngjae, his eyes widening. 

 

“hyung? is that you?” youngjae smiled and yugyeom let go of jaebum, launching himself towards the other. youngjae caught him, smiling sheepishly at other eldest. 

 

“we grew up together,” he said in explanation, his arms tight around the youngest. “hey,” he whispered to yugyeom, “let's get you home, okay?” yugyeom nodded and after a pointed look to jaebum he helped the youngest into the car as jaebum clambered in next to him. youngjae slid into the driver’s seat, driving the short five minutes to the apartment as yugyeom slept on jaebum's shoulder. 

 

“so what's up with him?” youngjae asked, glancing at the pair in the rear view mirror. 

 

“i'm praying it's not what i'm thinking.” youngjae narrowed his eyes at the elder through the mirror, focusing back on the road as he pulled into the driveway of the building. 

 

“wake him up hyung, let's get him inside.” jaebum nodded, gently nudging the youngest as youngjae got the door. yugyeom stumbled behind the pair, youngjae carrying both backpacks as jaebum supported almost all of yugyeom’s weight. they eventually got inside, youngjae bustling around in the kitchen and making tea, yugyeom and jaebum sitting in a tense silence. youngjae eventually handed out tea, smiling reassuringly at the youngest before settling next to jaebum, an air of peace radiating off of him. 

 

“yugyeom, do you wanna talk about anything?” yugyeom knew that youngjae was trying to be as inviting as possible, allowing him to talk about anything. he couldn't put into words how much he appreciated it. 

 

“um, well,” he began to fidget again, his eyes staring at his tea. “to start, i-i, jungkook broke up with me,” he forced the words out, understanding what exactly word vomit was. youngjae looked at him sympathetically and jaebum’s eyes were wide, watching the youngest carefully. 

 

“bambam has a new boy toy too, so he's never around.” yugyeom sipped at his tea, pointedly ignoring the other’s reactions. 

 

“you'll always have us yugyeom.” youngjae was smiling, a hand coming up to push his light fringe out of his eyes and his glasses up. 

 

“yeah, even when you're rich and famous, we'll still be here. little old us. like one of those old couples in the shacks in those movies.” yugyeom laughed. 

 

“thanks hyungs, i mean it.” they all smiled at each other before yugyeom made his decision. he put his cup down and took a shaky breath, bringing his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around himself. 

 

“so hyungs, i gotta tell you something, and it's not very pretty.” youngjae smiled encouragingly. “the reason i was so shaken before? the f-freak out afterward? mark hyung?” he took a deep breath, steadying himself for what he was about to do. he glanced at his hyungs before his eyes we on the floor again, accounting for jaebum's concerned gaze and youngjae’s almost understanding one. he decided not to dwell on it, deciding that the only way to do this was to rip it off. 

 

“i was on a ledge,” he spit out, his teeth almost bared. “the ledge on the roof of the library. mark hyung was the one who answered my call.” he felt the tears prick behind his eyes, emotions swelling uncomfortably within himself. “i just want it to stop, to be over.” he heard a mug settle on the table and felt arms wrapping around his shoulders, a hand running up and down his arm. he sniffled, barely opening his eyes in order to see youngjae smiling at him, a subtle layer of fear peeking through his otherwise calm and loving exterior. 

 

“yugyeom, listen to me. we can get you help, get you someone to talk to, so that way you don't ever have to feel like that again.”

 

“where do i find one? mom won't help with the whole ‘phase’ shit. i don't really have anyone to turn to.” youngjae looked as though he were stealing himself to allow the next words out of his mouth. 

 

“you can see my therapist. she'll let me sit in with you if you want too. she's really good with this stuff, i'd say she specializes in it if i didn't know better. how does that sound?” yugyeom looked at youngjae his eyes wide. he watched his childhood friend as he closed his eyes and breathed, tucking his legs underneath him and keeping his hands in his lap he sat, his eyes going between the two others as well as his hands. 

 

“‘course i know a good therapist for this kinda thing.” he shrugged, his eyes finally meeting jaebum's stony mask, the eldest trying (but failing) to hide his worry. “i figured i'd tell you around the three month mark, but i guess there's no harm telling you now. you too gyeomie,  you deserve to know the full story. 

 

“yugyeom and i went to school together until freshman year. i disappeared in october and never went back. well, not only was my family falling apart, but i was too. it had been like this for awhile and i did all i could to hide it, and apparently that was enough. after  _ it _ happened no one would shut up about how they had no idea and all that bullshit, but whatever. i don't really care anymore.” he began to fidget with his left sleeve, taking a deep breath before he yanked the material up. scars, tens of hundreds of scars greeted them. the horizontal ones seemed to be placed so that they could be hidden, although the vertical one seemed to have been much deeper. 

 

“i didn't eat either. i dunno how it happened exactly, but one day i stopped and couldn't start again. i think i didn't fit in something or i looked a little too pudgy in the mirror or something like that. drove me insane. when i finally got help the doctors diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa, depression, as well as some anxiety issues too.” he tugged his sleeve down, slouching heavily. “i met my therapist because of it and i've been seeing her since then. it, it really helped.” he smiled at them, pain visible on his face. “i used to loathe myself, look at the mirror with such contempt that looking back on it, it was ridiculous. i almost lost my life to something so minuscule, now that i look back on it. i'm just really glad i failed. that's the only real thing that i've ever been so relieved to fuck up so much.” youngjae chuckled at their shocked expressions. 

 

“i was gonna tell you hyung, i just was waiting a bit. wanted to make sure you weren't just gonna up and run. i hope you understand.” youngjae’s voice was small as was his physical form, his eyes downcast. the two youngests sat, waiting in bated breath for the eldest’s reaction. yugyeom watched as jaebum stood, youngjae’s eyes closed and breathing rigid. he flinched when the eldest placed a hand on his shoulder before he pulled him into a hug, grabbing yugyeom too. 

 

“hyung’s here, hyung will always be here,” jaebum whispered fiercely. “i'll always be here.”

 

*******

 

yugyeom sat at the cafe, playing on his phone as he idly sipped on a coffee. he was on the hunt for inspiration for his next piece but was coming up short. it was his final for his performance class and he wanted to do well, but he just couldn't. 

 

_ new beginnings _ . a weird ass thing to choreograph about. sure, he could try, but he didn't have the raw emotion, and without it he was grasping at straws for something. he was doodling on his notebook, texts from mark rolling in with sappy english love songs for suggestions when his focus was broken. 

 

“yugyeom?” his eyes flickered up, taking in the familiar face in front of him before focusing on his work again. 

 

“jungkook, hi.” he ignored the elder squirming, his attention undivided as he searched for music that would suit his needs. 

 

_ maybe i'll just talk to my instructor, _ he thought, trying to remember when her office hours were.  _ maybe she'll let me do something a little different, i mean i hope so- _

 

“can i sit here?” he looked up again, shrugging. 

 

“i'd say it's a free country,” he turned back to his notebook, “but mark hyung would smack me. americans, huh?” his eyes flicked back up, surveying jungkook’s nervous appearance. “i'm not gonna bite you if you sit here, i'm not a jackass.” jungkook hesitated before settling, wringing his hands. 

 

“what's up?” jungkook looked up at him, eyes wide. 

 

“what? what do you mean?” yugyeom sighed, shutting his notebook and putting his phone down. jungkook seemed almost frightened. 

 

“well first off you're stiff. you are clearly uncomfortable, and either you're forcing yourself or someone, i'm guessing jimin hyung, is forcing you to talk to me. you must have heard about the ‘library incident’ from bambam, who heard it from jinyoung who heard it from mark who get the entire story from jaebum.” jungkook bristled. “so i got that right, cool. second, i'm guessing you feel guilty, like maybe if you hadn't broken it off or hadn't left me on  _ read  _ i wouldn't have ended up on that ledge. newsflash, i was there the night i came over suddenly. you know me, you knew bambam was outta the room almost all the time, how the hell would i be stupid enough to get stranded at the library when it's gonna rain and i don't have a roommate?” jungkook’s eyes seemed permanently wide. yugyeom chuckled.

 

“this stuff isn't always sudden kook. and sometimes, get this, people hide this shit. so if that's all, i don't need your pity,” he said matter of factly, opening his notebook, jungkook frozen. 

 

“you left me on read the night i really needed you. sure you could ignore me all you want, whatever. but when i sent you a literal  _ ‘please help’ _ with an ‘ _ i'm terrified _ ’ and topped off with a ‘ _ i'm scared of what i'm gonna do _ ’ and the final sprinkle of ‘ _ thanks for caring’ _ , you'd think you'd figure out that something was very wrong. and it was. i was on a ledge the next day. if mark hyung hadn't answered the phone, if i hadn't had the balls to call it but instead called you who wouldn't have answered, the likelihood of me being here would be slim to none.” he looked up to notice jungkook still looking terrified. he sighed, his chest lighter with his confession but troubled by jungkook’s expression. 

 

“there's not a day that goes by without me playing through every single scenario in my head.” jungkook’s voice was weak, emotion barely being kept at bay. 

 

“kookie,” he said gently, placing on of his cold hands on top of the elder's. “if you're wondering if i blame you or if i'm mad at you, the answer is no.” the other let out a breath of relief, looking at the younger through his lashes. “none of this was your fault. believe me on this one. i'm just a bitter bastard,” he said with a laugh. jungkook smiled. 

 

“you know how judged i got for coming in here and getting a hot chocolate?” jungkook’s voice was wet with unshed tears but the humor underneath it wasn't lost on yugyeom. 

 

“it is hotter than balls out dude! i mean you could've gotten a tea you know.” jungkook blushed. 

 

“i panicked when i got up there, and you know i hate coffee. i just said the first thing that came to mind.” yugyeom laughed, a real free and loud laugh. jungkook smiled, flipping his hand and holding yugyeom's instead of just letting rest on top of his.

 

“can we start over?” jungkook sounded hesitant, his face showing he was ready for rejection. yugyeom just smiled.

 

“sure.”

 

*******

 

jungkook sat next to youngjae, the pair watching their respective boyfriends try and drown each other in youngjae’s pool, laughter filling the area. more people were due to arrive soon, but for now the boys were just having fun. 

 

“you hurt him again and i'll make your life a living hell,” youngjae said, his eyes hard. jungkook involuntarily shivered. 

 

“i-i won't hyung. i promise you.” youngjae raised an eyebrow, leaning back into his chair. 

 

“have you promised him?” jungkook feverishly nodded. 

 

“of course. we talked everything out, went over everything, i know what to do now. i don't need- i can't run away from it. not anymore.” youngjae smiled. 

 

“good. now don't you forget it boy, i'm not afraid to get my hands bloody.” with a wink he closed his eyes, leaving jungkook quaking. 

 

“hyung! come get in! you too kookie!” youngjae sighed, opened his eyes for the pure purpose of rolling them before closing them once more, shoving jungkook. 

 

“you heard him,  _ go.” _

 

and boy did he not need to be told twice. 

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello! welcome to my first work!  
> trying to get the ball rolling you know, lol. even though this is v short for me.  
> so this is the first of many in the pop/misc. series! there is also (going to be) an all time low, mayday parade, and country series, so keep a look out for these!  
> i'm not fully opposed to writing more on this - i don't really like the ending but i (and my fren) forced me to stop so that this didn't become massive.  
> if i missed any triggers or if you have any criticism (preferably constructive) please let me know!  
> [buy me a coffee?](http://ko-fi.com/thecomputerguy/)  
> oh, and yell at me on [twitter y'all](https://twitter.com/brieentea/)  
> peace out blood scouts,  
> b


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